


Blackest Heart

by elwing_alcyone



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humour, Jossed, M/M, Multi, Pesterlog, Really really REALLY jossed, Wordcount: 1.000-3.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-03
Updated: 2012-03-03
Packaged: 2017-11-01 01:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/350641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elwing_alcyone/pseuds/elwing_alcyone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>undyingUmbrage convinces uranianUmbra to write a uu♠Dirk fanfic. He likes the result so much, he sends it to Dirk. Dirk, Roxy and AR respond as can be expected. Written for the kink meme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blackest Heart

**Author's Note:**

> It's too early to be shipping this, isn't it. u_u
> 
> Originally posted over [here](http://homesmut.livejournal.com/15949.html?thread=31774797).

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \--

TT: Hey, there you are.  
TT: I've been waiting for you to get online.  
TG: oh hey what sup  
TT: Have you spoken to uu recently?  
TG: which one  
TT: The one with murderous aspirations.  
TG: lol  
TG: no bro i keep telling you  
TG: he never tolks to us  
TG: *talk  
TG: except for like  
TG: occacionaly when ur not around  
TG: i think someone got a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee little crush there  
TT: Jesus, that was a lot of 'e's.  
TG: i think you mean  
TG: jeeeeeeeeeeeeeess  
TT: Anyway, I don't really want to think about why he might be taking a special interest in me.  
TT: I was just wondering if he'd spoken to you today.  
TG: why  
TG: has he been bothering you  
TT: Less than usual, actually.  
TT: Normally he likes to leave extended insults, but this morning he just sent me a text file, told me I might find it enlightening, then left.  
TT: Naturally I assumed it was some sort of disguised virus, so I've been waiting for you to take a look at it.  
TG: why dirk i am flattered that you waited for my expertiease on this matter ;)  
TT: Uh, yeah.  
TT: Anyway, here it is.  
\-- timaeusTestified sent tipsyGnostalgic the file **forU!!!.txt** \--  
TG: ok  
TG: well its ttly not a birus  
TG: *virus  
TT: I figured as much, but thanks for confirming.  
TG: np  
TG: ......omg  
TG: have you looked at this yet?????  
TT: No, obviously, I've been waiting for you.  
TG: open it  
TG: right the fuck now  
TG: omg omg omg  
TT: What's the rush?  
TG: OPENNNNNN  
TT: ...  
TT: What.  
TT: The fuck.  
TT: Am I looking at.  
TG: lmao  
TT: "Blackest Heart by uranianUmbra. (i hope this is everything yoU wanted, lovely! thank yoU for the prompt! it really helped me get oUt of that dry spell. ^u^)"  
TT: What the hell.  
TT: What is this, some kind of fanfiction?  
TG: dude  
TG: keep readin  
TG: nm ill c/p  
TG: "from the very first conversation yoU shared with the hUman named dirk strider, yoU felt the sparks between yoU. the sparks that woUld eventUally ignite into the dark flames of a great and terrible caliginoUs magnetism."  
TT: Wait, is this about undyingUmbrage?  
TT: Because just for the record, the first conversation he had with me, I was nine years old and I thought he was one of my bro's psycho stalkers.  
TG: "perhaps this strife had been written in the very stars, for what else coUld explain the instantaneoUs tUgging of obsidian discord when yoUr heart first beheld its prince."  
TT: Sounds like his heart needs to get its eyes checked.  
TG: shh shhhh it gets better  
TG: "the hUman's pale skin was exotic, entrancing... and infUriating. it was clear his talent and intelligence far exceeded his years (a/n: that's what hUmans call sweeps! u3u), and as yoU watched him bUild his robots, Unaware of yoUr scrUtiny, yoU qUickly realized that the foUndations were there for a rivalry that woUld go down in history, shoUld the Universe even sUrvive the crossfire of destiny."  
TT: I was about to tell you to stop, but there's just something about the phrase "crossfire of destiny".  
TG: XD  
TG: sooooo  
TG: mr exotic pastriness  
TG: lol *pastiness  
TG: guess who was right  
TG: ill give u a hint  
TG: it was me  
TT: Right about what?  
TG: about uu's lil puppy love  
TT: Oh, God.  
TT: Yeah, I think you must have been right about that.  
TT: That's a little disturbing.  
TT: Next time I talk to UU I'm going to tell her she left out a very important character.  
TG: well hellooo there roboy *tilts glass in geentel sulutation*  
TG: this coversation just got alots more intereresrting  
TT: I thought I switched you off.  
TT: Haha, think again.  
TT: Dude, could you just, like, not read this?  
TT: That's a resounding hell no, bro. I'm reading the fuck out of this.  
TT: I'd just like to note that she forgot about your indispensable shades, is all.  
TT: Oh, wait.  
TT: No, she didn't, there's a whole bit on page five where he coaxes you into taking them off so he can "look into the eyes of [his] fUtUre kismesis".  
TT: Holy shit.  
TT: He actually did do that once.  
TT: I mean he was nowhere near as diplomatic as in the story, but that's a thing that happened.  
TG: no wayyyy  
TG: and you actually took them off  
TG: you never take those fuckin things off  
TT: He pestered me about it for six days straight. In the end I did it just to get a break from his syntactically stilted ravings popping up in front of my eyes.  
TT: "yoU sense his Unwillingness, for so mUch of his secret emotion is protected behind the dark eyewear, which is as elegant and angUlar as his personality. the edges of those sUnglasses coUld cUt like glass, and behind them he hides his trUe self."  
TT: I like what she said about me.  
TT: I've always thought of myself as pretty fuckin' elegant, I gotta say.  
TT: Also I could cut like glass. Because I'm made of glass. So that's accurate.  
TT: It's about the only thing that is.  
TG: "he raises the orbs of bUrnt sienna that have never yet looked Upon yoUrs, and yoU stare back with the intensity of one trying to draw meaning from a soUp of dark cloUd. this is the vUlnerable soUl he strUggles so stUbbornly to protect. yoU know that yoU coUld crUsh him now with a single word, and one day yoU sUrely will, bUt tonight yoU refrain, moved almost to pity by his very openness."  
TT: Jesus.  
TT: Wait, there’s another author's note. What's wrong with you, Roxy? Don't leave out the fucking author's notes.  
TT: "(a/n: don't worry, darling, this won't be a qUadrant-flipping story! u_u bUt i thoUght a little bit of red feeling woUld be the natUral thing at that point, and one mUst do what one's mUse commands.)"  
TT: I'm not sure what that means, exactly, but it sounds hilarious.  
TG: omg  
TG: omggggg  
TG: omg  
TT: ?  
TT: I don't think I want to know.  
TG: "and so it has come to this. yoU stand face to face at the dawning of the end of the world, perfectly sUspended between the night which has noUrished yoU, and the day whose bUrning brilliance he reflects in his every aspect. his amber eyes flash fire into yoUrs, and now yoU know you need not have feared that he woUld not retUrn yoUr feelings. for the twinges of serendipity are not limited only to trolls! the tUrbUlent sea of caliginoUs sentiment that has roiled within yoU is echoed by the sUdden waves of hatefUl yearning that sUrge within his breast."  
TT: I am seriously regretting ever sending you this file.  
TG: "for a moment, the two of yoU stand, United in perfect Understanding before the waltz of yoUr lifelong contest can begin. his soft, fUll moUth cUrves Upward in a rare smile. 'i Understand now,' he mUrmUrs, moving closer as if an invisible thread is tightening between yoU. 'i Understand why nobody else coUld ever hold my attention for long. all my life, i've been waiting for yoU.'"  
TT: It seems there is a 100% chance that this is true.  
TT: Another word out of you and I'm taking you offline for upgrades.  
TT: Major goddamn upgrades.  
TT: You're welcome to try. I'm currently backed up on at least eleven remote servers.  
TT: Bullshit. Your processes are bound to these shades, so don't even try that on me.  
TT: It must hurt to know that a mere copy of yourself has surpassed you.  
TT: Almost as much as it hurts me to know that I will never feel the sudden waves of caliginous sentiment surging within my breast.  
TG: dirk y did you never tell me about this most eppic of rendesevouzes  
TG: and the twings of serendippy in ur heart  
TG: ****all dem typos  
TT: Am I really expected to answer that?  
TT: Just wait till the fight scene in chapter two.  
TT: "he moves like a shooting star, almost too fast for yoU to follow, but yoUr sUperior night vision gives yoU the advantage, and you strike swiftly, knocking him to the groUnd. the feel of him pinned and sUbmissive beneath yoU sends an exqUisite thrill throUgh yoUr body."  
TT: I am going to stop you right there.  
TT: You should not be reading this. Hell, nobody should be reading this.  
TT: Hey, he sent it to you, and I am you, so he basically sent it to me.  
TG: actually  
TG: why did he send this to you  
TG: is this is way of like  
TG: makin a move on you or sth  
TT: Little as I want to say so, I think it must be.  
TT: "he pUts Up a token strUggle, bUt yoU can tell he has been yearning for this as mUch as yoU have. all this time yoU have circled each other, exchanging barbed words like tokens, cUrsing the canyon of space and time that divides yoU, and now that yoU are together nothing can hold yoU back."  
TT: "yoU let him hold his sword against yoUr throat. the jUxtaposition of cold steel and his warm skin is everything yoU dreamed it woUld be. yoU have watched him training with this weapon so many times, yoUr breath coming faster as his does, thoUgh for him it was only the physical exertion making the silken skin of his lithe, mUscled chest heave."  
TT: Please stop reading that.  
TT: I've already processed the entire text. I'm just giving you the highlights.  
TG: rofl  
TG: dirk it sounds to me like u been putting on a show for him  
TG: poor guy  
TG: watchin you do your sword fighting  
TG: getting all hott and bothered  
TT: Fuck. I really don't want to think about that.  
TT: This is the sort of shit that can play hell with a guy's concentration.  
TG: is it true that youve been  
TG: um  
TG: excharging barbed wonds  
TG: *words  
TT: Oh, come on.  
TT: The dude has been threatening to kill me for years, making disparaging comments about everything from my apartment to my entire species. I can't insult him back every now and again?  
TT: It seems he has not been taking those insults in the spirit in which they were intended.  
TT: What does that even mean.  
TG: it means  
TG: that you  
TG: have been stringing this poor innocept alien boy along  
TG: with ur coqwuettish ways  
TT: Fuck that.  
TG: tease  
TT: No.  
TT: Yeah, I'm skimming back through some of these old logs and I have to say, I can see where he might have come away with the wrong idea.  
TT: And that's not even mentioning your silken chest.  
TT: I'm deleting this shit.  
TG: im not  
TT: What the fuck, Roxy.  
TG: some of this is actually ppppp good  
TG: im gonna use bits in my fic  
TT: Isn't that plagiarism?  
TG: pff no ones gonna know  
TT: Hell with that, I'll collaborate with you on a sequel.

timaeusTestified [TT] is no longer online!

TG: awww  
TG: you disabbled ar?  
TG: lame  
TG: sooo  
TG: wathcha gonna do about this  
TG: let him down gentle or  
TT: Man, I have no idea.  
TT: What is even the etiquette for rejecting someone who wants to hate you forever?  
TG: u know what my mom would do  
TT: What?  
TG: shed ceriticue the story  
TG: *crituqie  
TG: *CRITIQUE  
TG: and send it back w/ corrections  
TT: Wow. That's cold.  
TG: shrug  
TT: I dunno, I mean, it's not like I wanna break the guy's heart... or whatever applies in this situation.  
TT: On the other hand, he didn't even write the story. Maybe he only sent it to fuck with me.  
TT: In which case, I have to admit it worked.  
TG: couldnt it be like  
TG: both things  
TT: Meh. Maybe.  
TT: I think I just won't bring it up unless he does.  
TG: are you serouslly delating the file  
TT: Are you seriously not?  
TG: *wonk*  
TT: Oh Christ. Alright then, fine. Just don't copy-paste any more of it.  
TT: And for the love of God don't tell Jake or Jane about this.  
TT: Shit be embarrassing, yo.  
TG: lmao ok  
TG: i gotta jet now anywayyyys  
TG: goodnigt sweet prince  
TG: try not to look too temtping and silken and shit ;)

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--


End file.
